If I ever decide to get a tattoo, this Emily Dickinson quote might be it:
“I am out with lanterns, looking for myself.”
This line, penned by Dickinson in a letter describing the upheaval of moving, resonates deeply with me. While I have certainly moved a few times recently, that is not why it strikes a chord. It points to something more profound. My skin is still a blank canvas waiting for inspiration, but it’s tempting to inscribe these words.
Embracing a New Chapter
At 53, I am navigating life as a single person for the first time in over two decades. With no children and just my cat to look after, my responsibilities are wonderfully simplified. It is just me and my cat, Emily Dickinson – yes, I am marking my not-so-graceful transition into spinsterhood (thank you, LIz Lemon) – ready to explore what comes next.
“There is a real sense of freedom in this current chapter.”
I am also financially secure, a fact I am still adjusting to after a lifetime of careful saving. It feels genuinely liberating not to worry about money.
I have a part-time remote job, I am healthy and fit, and I split my time between an apartment near the beach in LA and my own house in another lovely city. On paper, it sounds like a dream, and in many ways, it is. There is a real sense of freedom in this current chapter, with endless possibilities for traveling and learning to live life alone and at my own pace. There’s room for dating and romance, too, if that’s what I want.
The Nuances of New Beginnings
Yet, there is always more to the story, isn’t there.
I need to figure out who I am and what I truly want. There are moments of quiet reflection, some anxiety, and occasional sleepless nights. I am also actively confronting past trauma. Adding to this, I am a month into processing a recent relationship that was complicated and began much too soon after my marriage ended.
I am recognizing that I have been in codependent relationships, and I am committed to changing that pattern. I’m not sure what future relationships will look like for me, but I know I’ll never feel trapped and controlled again.
“I am actively authoring my own story, lantern in hand, seeking the life that awaits me.”
Charting a Path Forward
I am dedicated to shifting these patterns. I am in therapy, learning to manage my newfound financial freedom, and striving to stay present and enjoy life. A significant part of this journey involves discovering my identity outside of the relationships that once defined me.
I am facing important choices: how I want to live, and where? Do I want to settle down at all? A life as a digital nomad is a distinct possibility. How do I envision this next chapter unfolding? I have even considered full retirement, though letting go of what little structure and community I have in a flexible, part-time, remote job feels daunting. I share this not for sympathy, as I know how fortunate I am, but simply to express that I am currently in a space of self-discovery.
“Out With Lanterns”
That is why Dickinson’s line feels so fitting. Maybe I’m not lost, but simply on a path toward something new. As Joseph Campbell, who wrote extensively on the hero’s journey, suggested, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Transformation often begins by stepping away from the familiar.
I want to be Odysseus, adventuring and facing challenges, then finding my way back to myself. I am not a Penelope, the wife who waits passively at home, fending off suitors. I am actively authoring my own story, lantern in hand, seeking the life that awaits me.
And Emily Dickinson (the cat) is right here with me, at the moment sleeping in the be all splayed out, her paws in the air, looking adorable and ridiculous.
Why I am Sharing This
This blog is a way for me to document and share this personal journey. It is for anyone who is starting over, feeling a bit adrift, or out with their own lanterns.
Thanks for reading. What is one unexpected lesson you have learned from a recent life experience?