As I navigate this new chapter in life, recently single after a whirlwind of two intensely codependent relationships, John Kim’s “Single On Purpose: Redefine Everything. Find Yourself First” by John Kim (HarperOne, 2021) arrived at just the right moment. This book offers a fresh perspective on the often-dreaded state of singleness.
For a long time, my sense of self was deeply intertwined with the men I was with. First, my ex-husband – charming, yet with a subtle control that gradually eroded my independence until I hardly recognized myself. Then, almost immediately, my ex-partner – handsome, brilliant, sexy, wanting me at least as much as I wanted him. I didn’t have to be alone, ever. As long as I never left him to face himself either. It was a different form of control, but equally stifling. I moved from one to the other, apprehensive of the quiet, the perceived emptiness, and the daunting prospect of simply being with myself.
“Forget about loving yourself. Do you even like yourself? If not, why?“
This book, much like Kim’s excellend “Angry Therapist” podcast, offers more than just typical self-help advice. It’s a direct, honest conversation that encourages deep introspection. Kim doesn’t shy away from the inherent discomfort of being alone; instead, he presents it as a rich opportunity for personal growth. His central message, as the title suggests, is that singleness isn’t merely a transitional phase before your next relationship, but a significant, intentional period dedicated to discovering and nurturing your authentic self. He gently but firmly suggests that neglecting this inner work means carrying unresolved issues into future partnerships, thus continuing familiar patterns.
For someone like me, who has historically sought validation and identity through a partner, this concept felt quite transformative. Kim thoughtfully challenges the common societal narrative that being in a relationship is the ultimate measure of success or happiness. He encourages readers to “date themselves,” to explore their interests, establish healthy boundaries, and truly understand their own needs before seeking to connect with someone else.
“Just because it feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s love.”
He highlights that genuine partnership blossoms when two complete, independent individuals choose to come together, rather than two individuals seeking completion in each other. This is after admitting that he himself struggled with this in relationships. This meant so much to me, since often my therapist seems to confident about being alone and yet is herself married with kids. Same with my friends, urging me to be single while themselves married to college sweethearts for 30+ years.
Kim’s words prompted me to look inward. What was my part in these dynamics? My codependency, my fear of abandonment, my strong desire to please, my struggle to set boundaries – these were the fertile grounds upon which their control could take root. It wasn’t solely about them; it was fundamentally about me and my ingrained patterns.
The “Angry Therapist” podcast, which I’ve found incredibly insightful, perfectly complements the book. Kim’s straightforward, authentic delivery, often interspersed with humor, makes his candid advice accessible. You can find the “Angry Therapist” podcast on most major podcast platforms.
He consistently encourages listeners to embrace responsibility for their lives, to move beyond a victim mentality, and to commit to the challenging yet rewarding work of self-actualization. Listening to him unpack relationship dynamics, especially those rooted in unhealthy patterns, often feels like he’s speaking directly to my past experiences. He doesn’t just identify issues; he offers practical, actionable steps for moving forward.
“Single On Purpose” isn’t a quick fix, but it provides a robust and compassionate framework. It’s gently guiding me to embrace the quiet solitude, to rediscover who I am outside of a relationship, and to begin healing the parts of me that contributed to such enmeshed dynamics. It’s a challenging but ultimately liberating journey, and Kim’s direct, yet understanding, guidance is proving to be an invaluable companion as I thoughtfully learn to find myself first.
What are your favorite book and podcasts about relationships?